Upon reaching Spirit rock in California for the nine day Vipassana silent meditation retreat, I thought the hardest thing I’d face would be renouncing my phone, taking the 8 monastic precepts (including two vegetarian meals a day with the last at noon) and adopting noble silence. Yet in truth, the most difficult thing by far was receiving my phone back after nine days and returning to the unfathomable noise of our modern world.

The journey inward was profoundly intense. 10 hours of meditation a day. Walking, sitting, eating and standing… Slowly countless layers of internal story, misperception, outlandish thought, wild emotion and habitual pattern began to unfold. The first few days felt like a storm of noise rallying for my attention with each pressing need more amplified than the one before.
The unfathomable inner traffic jam that amassed in my hyper-engaged psyche was surreal to comprehend. Yet one by one… beliefs & considerations, hopes & aspirations, drama & lamentations began to rise… ebb… then slowly fall away. And a vast inner silence emerged. A clean and clear spaciousness within which every thought and emotion lifted and descended like a tide in an ocean in real time. I could sense the texture, feeling tone, intention, mood and quality of each emerging wave. And perhaps even more poignant and powerful, I began to experience a clear recognition that no matter what arose: Grief, anger, resentment / joy, excitement and wonder… it would all eventually dissolve back into the mind-stream. A Calm inner Wisdom, kind generosity, and spacious equanimity slowly but surely replaced the storm. Yet also a wise kind of sorrow. The pain of finally clearly seeing where ignorant action born of the 5 hindrances: Craving, aversion, worry, comfort, and doubt – had led my mind astray over the years was deep and profound. And how these same hindrances actively create such suffering and harm in the minds of those I love and our collective society at large.

I’ve lived a very rich life. Countless experiences communing with and supporting medicine journeys, hundreds of ecstatic events, deep and powerful relationships and a life devoted to ritual in over 20 years of immersing in sacred tradition – but never have I experienced clarity so deeply as I had in the power of the Vipassana meditations. By day seven, every rising action was completely its own. Turning door handle, washing hands, gazing at sun, wind on cheek, balancing on foot, lift space step lift space, breath in, breath out, thought silence thought…. Gradually compassion began to replace critique. Kindness replace comparison. Wisdom felt like it was at long last finding its root.

When I arrived at the airport, the full scope of the experience hit like a thunderclap with tears and awe. The leap from the still calm silence to tv’s blasting news, people dashing in all directions and phones ablaze in every palm was almost to much to bare. Yet there is one unshakable truth I learned on that mountainside I’ll hold in my heart forever. That true Peace: The Lasting joy and calm contentment born of a nourishing connection to all that IS truly resides within. Nothing, no source of gratification – the arms of a lover, a blank check, the greatest accomplishment, can ever provide what the heart already holds in its silent chambers. 

I will continue my practice each day in gratitude. Walking, standing, sitting and lying down; breathing, noting, sensing and Knowing. I will do all I can to tend the inner waters and clear the heart & mind stream. My soul has chosen a powerful path of healing, growth and service this round that is not an easy road, but I’m forever grateful to know where to turn when I need to find that vast quiet pool of inner light